Red Suits of SHIELD
by Rogue nerd9
Summary: There is a high mortality rate for junior agents despite Coulson's attempts to keep them alive by passing on his acquired knowledge in the form of a pamphlet. A pamphlet no one reads. Tony decides to put matters into his own hands and enlists the help of the other Avengers whether they want to or not. Just some funny fluff. Rate T for language.
1. Seminars and Pamphlets

Summary: There is a high mortality rate for junior agents despite Coulson's attempts to keep them alive by passing on his acquired knowledge in the form of a pamphlet. A pamphlet no one reads. Tony decides to put matters into his own hands and enlists the help of the other Avengers whether they want to or not. Just some funny fluff. Rate T for language.

All right this is the prologue, got the idea a bit from Star Trek. I've already written the next couple chapters, just prof reading them before putting them up. Also very important I DONT OWN THE AVENGERS. I don't know why you'd think that but in case you did. :P

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The seminar for junior agents finally ended five hours after it began, with the junior agents shuffling out, looking much like zombies. They had gone over zombies during the seminar though and now knew how to tell the difference, which was good, since they now knew how to kill a zombie in thirty seconds or less with basic office supplies. Because that might come in handing someday much like all the other things they had gone over in the seminar, which ranged from alien attacks to terrorist organizations and strangely enough mutants living in the sewers. Their instructor was unreasonably thorough.

"Don't forget to look through your pamphlet," Coulson called after them. The pamphlet he was referring to was the size of a phone book and twice as dry. No one ever read the pamphlet, but Coulson continued year after year to hand them out in the faint hope that it would save someone's life. Who knows perhaps it would have, if it was ever read. Perhaps someday one of the junior agents, all wide eyed and fresh faced, would read or even flip through the helpful novel length pamphlet and see some, or even a few of the tips, ticks, warnings, and helpful suggestions that Coulson had taken the trouble of compiling. And maybe they would retain or pass on just a little of that knowledge. And then maybe, just maybe, when the time came they would remember and act accordingly. Unfortunately this junior agent, Coulson feared, was not among them this year if said junior agent even existed. He sighed, checked his watch, and walked down the hall with purpose. If they insisted on learning everything the hard way, on their own through trial after painful trial, well he couldn't stop them. He had done what he could now all that was left was to pray for the poor souls.

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Ok there is the prologue. Very short, everything will be going much faster after this, just setting it up. Review if you please. I'll try to get the next chapter up within the week.


	2. Technical Difficulties

Here is the first official chapter! Hope you guys like it.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers, but god I wish I did. We could hang out like all the time.

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"Hey, I haven't seen you before. Are you a red suit?"

The junior agent looked up from his computer screen to see a man with dark hair and a suit grinning down at him. It was not unusual at SHIELD to see a man with a suit on, but this man's was different. It was paired with a flashy shirt and tie that would never make it pass SHIELD regulation or Coulson's inspection.

"Excuse me?"

"Okay you're excused," said the man in the flashy suit, still grinning. He looked familiar. "But you still have to tell me if you're a red suit."

"A red suit?" It was then that the junior agent realized where he had seen this man before.

"Yes red suit. It's the SHIELD version of a Star Trek red shirt. It means a junior agent."

"You're Tony Stark," the junior agent gaped.

"Ah definitely a red suit," Stark said looking disapproving and pulling out his phone.

Suddenly the junior agent became concerned as a thought dawned upon him. "Wait, don't red shirts always die in Star Trek."

"That would be the point," Tony said with a lopsided grin as he began to text on his phone. "Junior agents always die on missions."

"Stark, stop intimidating our junior agents," Agent Coulson said sliding up to them silently with a man behind him.

"It's not intimidation to tell them the truth SHIELD fails to mention before signing them up," Tony replied without remorse and pointed to the man behind Coulson. "Besides Hawkeye here is the one who came up with the term."

"It doesn't matter who came up with it, Stark. It's simply untrue." Coulson did not bat an eye lash at the blatant lie, but smiled and quickly changed the subject to the fact that Stark was late for a meeting. As Coulson walked away with Tony the other man, Hawkeye, grabbed the junior agent's shoulder as he walked by and leaned down and whispered, "Seriously, red suits are a real thing kid. Get out now."

The junior agent gulped, and turned back to his screen as Hawkeye walked away. Imagines of red shirts dying at the hands of cheesy costumed monsters flickered in his head as he began to hyperventilate. He somehow managed to calm himself down in after few minutes. After all they were just hazing him. And he had almost fallen for it. How stupid could they think he was? And so he continued working and went to his bunk early that night.

In the morning as he went to his desk and did his paper work excitedly. He wasn't excited for the paperwork, but that he was to go on his first mission that very day. This was never to be though as he was fired that morning after being called into an office by Agent Hill. Apparently a highly advanced virus had been traced to the junior agent's computer from an outside source. The junior agent had no way of explaining how it had gotten into his system or why there were now images of Fury in a tutu dancing around on everyone's screen. So he went home.

The depression he felt for the next few days was immense, and he couldn't sleep for fear of Director Fury sneaking in like a ninja and slitting his throat. But when he heard that every junior agent on the mission he was to be deployed on had die violently, he thought of what Stark had said and was relieved. The ex-junior agent would always wonder if Mr. Stark had had something to do with the virus on his computer, but the other man had never touched it. He had been on the cell almost the whole time. Never the less, the ex-junior agent always felt grateful to Stark for his warning. Of course if he had ever picked up his pamphlet, which now resided in a stack of books under a dusty coffee table in the absence of a leg, and read in the chapter entitled _Technical Difficulties, and How to Avoid Them_, page 184, the second paragraph down, the third sentence, he would have known to "Never let Mr. Stark near a SHIELD issue computer even if his is not touching it and especially if his is on his phone."

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There it is. Review please and I'll try to get the next chapter up real soon.


	3. Testing Protocol

Okay here is chapter three. I didn't get this up as fast as I meant to, sorry. I didn't think about thanksgiving coming up. I'll get the next chapter up a little later this week.

Disclaimer: I only own the shirt on my back, but the Avengers are on it.

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A loud crash could be heard from the labs as Coulson walked towards the doors. Inside the scene was a mess. Broken equipment was everywhere. A junior agent being supported by his friend hobbled by pausing to salute before they made their way to medical. Coulson didn't pause. He walked directly up to the group of Steve, Clint, and Stark and he glared directly at the last one.

"Oh hey Phil," Tony said grinning as the other two grimaced in sympathy at the loud crash that had just accrued.

"I know what you're doing Stark." And then turning to the other agents he added, "Everyone leave. You are not in the future to help Mr. Stark with his experiments or take any orders from him. Go back to your Real work now gentlemen."

"Hey, hey, that's a little much. This is Real work and what do you think I'm doing." He replied looking innocently at Coulson, the innocence look only confirming Coulson's suspicions.

"You're purposely getting SHIELD junior agent injured and put in medical or worst taken out of SHIELD with permanent injures by testing faulty equipment."

"Tony!" Steve said look at the man shocked.

"It's better than them getting killed." Tony said in defense. "I'm just trying to protect them, unlike you."

"SHIELD protects its junior agent just fine without your help Stark."

"Oh really and how does it do that."

"SHIELD has excellent health benefits and I always give the junior agents a pamphlet that has guidelines for all SHIELD protocol and emergencies."

"A pamphlet that no one every reads, Sir," Hawkeye added looking at the older man amused.

Coulson was hurt at the assumption; even though he knew it was more than an assumption. It was a painful fact. "You in on this Barton?"

"No Sir, just watching the damage ensue." Hawkeye smiled at this. "It's kind of fun to watch."

"Either way this is the end of it. No more trying to get junior agents to test your crap Stark," Coulson said storming from the room.

"Well damn."

"You weren't really doing that were you Tony?" Steve said looking at Tony without much hope.

"What do you think?" Tony asked poring himself a glass of scotch as Steve sighed knowing the truth. "The real problem is how I'm going to help the red suits out now."

"That's not helpful, Tony. You can't just keep injuring them to get them put on medical leave."

"Actually the goal was honorable discharge due to injuries, but either way of course I can't. Coulson knows now," Tony said like this was the most obvious reason in the world.

"Guess you'll just have to go back to doing it one by one like before," Clint said disinterested and wondering what Natasha was doing. Just then Thor walked through the doors.

"What Mighty Battle Has Been Fought Here My Friends?" Thor said loudly in **his** inside voice.

"Maybe not," Tony grinned at the huge god a plan formulating in his mind.

On a side note there are three very long chapters in the pamphlet dedicated to Stark weaponry, protocol for scientific testing, and things Mr. Stark is not allowed to do on SHIELD property, on SHIELD time, at SHIELD expense, or with SHIELD's employees. None of the junior agents involved in the events described above knew this.

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Please review and thanks to everyone that already has. :D


	4. Ragnarök

Here is the next chapter! Thanks everyone who has reviewed.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Avengers, and sadly never will.

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Twenty or more, or possibly less (no one was really up to math more basic than a preschooler's) junior agents sat in the debriefing room. This was its official name. Its more appropriate name was the you're- in- some-serious- motherf***ing-shit room.

The junior agents sat heads held in hands with blood shot eyes, enormous headaches, and a completely blank spot in their memory were the pass 24 hours should have been. The man in front of them stood, staring draggers at them with his one good eye. The man was Director Fury, who had killed countless trained assassin, seen things that had left other men in the loony bins, and could in fact give a look that killed. Lucky all the junior agents were suffering too much to notice his stare much more than to know it was directed toward their general direction, otherwise they would had been many casualties and even more paper work.

"I'm Sorry Furious Director, I Do Not Understand What I Did Wrong," Said the large god like figure who sat among them. None could remember who he was though the phrase "god like" did ring some bells. Loud bells, very LOUD bells, didn't the man realize they were all hung over.

"You don't understand? Of course you don't. Just tell me what the hell you were thinking bring this many junior agents out binge drinking the night before a big mission?" The Director looked as though he would stab a passer-by at the moment, be it women, child, or kitten.

"I Was Told They Were To Die In Battle In The Morrow, So Tony And I Decided To, How Did He Put It, Party Like Its Ragnarök."

"And where is Tony right now?" Fury said with a disgusted that was mirrored in the face of Coulson standing a little ways behind him at the wall.

"He Is Sleeping Off His Liquor."

"Sleeping off his Liquor? SLEEPING Off His Motherf***ing Liquor!"

"Sir, I'll personal deal with Stark later," Coulson said somehow not fazed by the Director's mood.

"Damn Straight You Will!" Some of the junior agents would later swear Fury began to foam at the mouth at this point. He took a few minutes to regain what little composure he had left, before he got down to the meat of the problem. "Alright, I'm a fun guy. I can forgive you for one night of stupidity. What I can't forgive you for is this." He looked over to Agent Hill, who pressed a button and began a slide show.

The pictures were of course of the previous night. As evident from the pictures it had begun simply enough as just a pizza party at a little restaurant, but as the slide show went on the partying became more and more extreme. There were strippers at one point, a wedding between two of the junior agents who now looked at each other awkwardly, what looked like a trip to either Cirque Du Soleil or a really good drag show which seem to involve several of the junior agents' participation, and at the end one of the agents laid out with marker on his face. At this point one of the junior agents perked up and began scrubbing his face wishing he had looked in the mirror that morning and hoping Fury hadn't noticed. Fury had noticed and gave the agent one of his death looks.

"This is not behavior fitting of an agent of SHIELD gentlemen, but I could have forgiven it. If it had remanded a private matter," Fury said to the room at large. "Do any of you know how I came across these photos? I'll give you a hint it didn't take a secret agent. In fact all it took was an intern. I happened to find a Miss Darcy Lewis in Foster's lab this morning as she was checking her Facebook and laughing hysterically. Laughing hysterically at SHIELD agents, and I can't blame her! But I can blame you. So this concludes your time at SHIELD gentlemen. If you learned anything from this experience I hope it was discretion."

As the now ex-SHIELD junior agents walked out of the room a few could be heard mumbling, "What the hell's Ragnarök anyway?" Coulson sighed. It was all in chapter 48, Norse Mythology, and Asgardian Tradition. There was also a chapter on prepping the night before a mission, as well a footnote in chapter 18 Representing SHIELD While on Duty as how to an agent should behave in public settings off the clock as well as parties. "You actions outside of SHIELD still reflect SHIELD as a whole."

Coulson dug out his SHIELD issue cell and text "Well played Stark."

The replied he got was "hell yeah it was ;)"

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Ragnarök is kind of like the Norse version of the apocalypse, but don't quote me on it. So when Tony says to party like its Ragnarök, he means party like its 1999 really. Just in case explanations are needed.

Please review guys and I'll get the next chapter up soon!


	5. Sexual Harassment

I think it been a week plus since the last chapter. This one is kind of short but it's here. Promise the next one will be a bit longer.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers, even on DVD. I'm waiting for Christmas to get it.

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Natasha wasn't one to chit chat with, or even acknowledge the junior agents. In truth it mattered little to her which ones did or did not come back from the missions. Until Stark had brought it up she had never realized how high the mortality rate was among junior agents. But knowing didn't make her care anymore than she had before, and she certainly wasn't going to be enlisted to Stark's silly campaign to save them. After all, as Coulson continued to tell them, they had been given a pamphlet. If they chose to be idiots why stop them. Survival of the fittest. Her opinion of the junior agents was undoubtedly poor even by her own standards. So it was not entirely surprising what happened next.

A junior agent sauntered over to Natasha in the cafeteria, and uttered the words, "Hey babe, do the curtains match the drapes?"

In one swift move and with a loud bang the junior agent was brought down to his knees where he quickly crumpled down to the fetal position. All the other junior agents looked stupidly at Natasha in horror.

"I don't answer dumb questions with anything other than bullets," she said coldly, her face still unchanged while the man at her feet yelled to the heavens.

"What's going on here?" Coulson said. Somehow he was always the first to show up when there was trouble. Clint who had planned on meeting Tasha for lunch followed causally not knowing anything was out of place till he saw the man on the floor.

"Wow, what dumb pick-up line did he use?" Clint said poking the injured man with his foot. "When I tried all you did was scissor kick me in the jaw."

"He made a very lewd remark. Why don't you warn the vermin about how sexual harassment in the work place is handled here Coulson?"

"I do what I can, Natasha, and I will try harder in the future to get the point across," Coulson replied calmly, wording his sentence carefully. "But don't you think that shooting him was a slight over reaction?"

"No. I shot him in the shoulder away from any vital organs," Natasha said still completely emotionless and added, "I have a license to kill, Coulson. He was lucky."

She turned to walk away with Clint following grinning. Coulson leaded down over the man to check his injury and asked, "Why would you ever hit on a female SHIELD personnel. We have very strict rules about that."

"I heard she used to be a Russian stripper," The agent replied in a low growl. Not quite low enough so Natasha didn't hear it unfortunately. Clint tried to restrain her as she tried to exorcise her license to kill, much to the rest of junior agents' dismay. Several of them were injured in the fight that broke out. All junior agents that were in the cafeteria quit the next day, and quite a few others. The cafeteria was destroyed to the point that it resembled a war zone, which didn't help matters. Coulson was never able to tract where the rumor had started officially, but the next time he saw Stark in the hallway he glared at him and growled, "Clever Stark."

And Tony grinned as he replied, "Always am, Agent."

There is a long chapter in the pamphlet about sexual harassment, how to report it, and how one will be treated if caught sexually harassing another agent. Actually most of the chapter was about the punishment one would receive for harassing another worker, all describe in painfully vivid detail. SHIELD was very serious on the subject due to Agent Hill and Coulson's combined influence. Coulson actually did think the man got off lucky all things considered.

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Please review!

I will try to get the next one up in a few days. I feel like I say that every time but really this time.


	6. Pet Peeves

Ok Hawkeye chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Avengers.

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Clint had done his best to stay mostly out of Stark's mess. He watched the action from the sidelines, just like he liked it. He tried to ignore the fact that he had inspired Tony to rebel by his offhanded comment about "red suits." It wasn't that he felt for the junior agents, they'd singed themselves up for this shit all on their own after all, he just happened to be a trekkie who liked to make dorky references and see if anyone dared call him out on it. Only Natasha ever dared. Coulson too, but he wasn't calling Clint out on it as much as bringing his own dork speak into the conversation. If he had tried to give some friendly advice to some of the junior agents it was simply because he had felt like it at the time. He didn't want to make a full time hobby out of it. He had no intentions of joining in on any of Stark's crazy schemes. He was staying out of it.

A week or so after the Natasha incident he found himself on watch duty outside of SHIELD's home base. It was a slight punishment for breaking another SHIELD rule. He couldn't remember which one right away, he had broken too many of them over the years, but then it came to him. It was for level one sexual harassment, which came down to smiling at a pretty female agent in the hall and getting caught. Coulson had seriously cracked down on that since the 'incident', not that he had ever been lacked on the subject. Now there were thirty different levels of sexual harassment that were punishable. Clint couldn't remember half of them but knew that most of the first fifteen or so were just natural Clint reactions to people, like smiling at them.

Most of the junior agents had been staying away from him since they saw him fight off Tasha. They seem to finally take the whole license to kill thing seriously now. He didn't mind much. Why get attached.

Just then he noticed something moving in the brushes. It seemed to be a man in red and black. Why would someone try to break into SHIELD wearing bright red? Was he crazy?

"There is a perimeter breach Sir." The junior agent said handing Agent Barton a SHIELD issue weapon before he could ask. Hawkeye paying more attention to the figure in the distance took the weapon, glanced at it, and then did a double take.

"What's this?" Hawkeye said giving the junior agent an unreadable look.

"It's a crossbow Sir, as usual." The junior agent looked confused and was wondering why the sniper had not taken out the intruder.

"No, I usually use a double recurve bow and sometimes a compound bow in a pinch." Hawkeye said with cracks appearing in his mask of calm.

"Isn't it like the same thing, but a crossbow shoots better?" The next thing that the junior agent uttered was an agonizing yell as Hawkeye aim the crossbow at the other man's leg and fired.

"Barton, not you too. I thought you knew better." Coulson said coming to find the sound of the distress.

"He handed me a crossbow Sir." Barton growled with a deadly look lingering in his eyes. Coulson raised his eyes at that, and nodded. Just then Tasha came in looking slightly disheveled. Slightly disheveled was a lot for her though.

"Where the hell were you Clint," she asked in a puff. "I just had to take out a trained, regenerating assassin who kept rambling on about not ever getting a decent cameo, whatever the hell that means, by myself." It was then she saw the man bleeding on the floor and smiled. "Sucks to have the shoes on the other foot huh? Did he ask if you were cupid cause felt like he'd been shot by the arrow of love?"

Clint gave her a very unamused look, "He handed me a crossbow." This wiped the smile off her face quickly, and she shared a knowing glace at Coulson before she replied awkwardly, "Well guess you're off watch for tonight. Want to watch Next Generation?"

"No I want to watch Kirk," he pouted and Natasha agreed taking him down the stairs, away from the offender.

Leading down over the junior agent crumbled on the floor Coulson smiled tightly and said, "Before you quit I suggest taking advantage of the health benefits SHIELD offers."

He reframed from telling the agent about the chapter in the pamphlet that showed all of SHIELD's different weapons along with their stats and a foot note about the SHIELD issue crossbow, "Not as good as a recurve bow." Clint had made him add that. Crossbows were Clint's biggest pet peeve. Part of Coulson wanted to blame this one on Stark, but he knew this was just an honest mistake, stupid one that could've been easily avoided, but honest.

Sixteen junior agents left because due to the fact that yet another Avenger had attacked one of the "red suits." They had actually started to call themselves that now. Coulson knew that only the ones with real mettle would stay with SHIELD in the following month. He hoped some of them had what it takes.

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High five if you know who the assassin in red and black is. That's right Deadpool. Poor guy really does get bad cameos and adaptations. Didn't get to talk in the originally X-men cartoon or the anime, got his mouth removed in _X-men: Origin_, and _Wolverine and the X-men_ was canceled before he got to show up. Only good adaptation outside of the comic for him has been _Hulk vs Wolverine_. He was the best thing about the movie. Don't worry if you don't know him. He is going to be mentioned in the next chapter but it's not crucial to know beforehand. Also next chapter there will be a guest star. I want to hear some guesses please. I promise next chapter will be the end of guest stars and cameos. It's kind of hard not to want to pull in character from Marvel comics for me. Will tried to put up next chapter Saturdayish.


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